Crozes-Hermitage: Ode to hunting boar in a dark oak forest

Region: France, Northern Rhône, grown in vineyards near the town of Tain l’Hermitage
Producer: Cave de Tain
Selection: Tesco
Varietal: Red, Syrah
Vintage: 2007
Volume: 12.5%
Price: w20, 000 (on sale)
Taste: "Robust and rich"
Notes: Musty, animal proteins, irises. Maybe jasmine. Meat curing in a cave. Drinks like a bottle that cost twice the price. The Rhone valley is one of those regions that never fails to produce surprisingly good wine at affordable prices. Its a go-to region if you are on a budget but want a wine that won't disappoint. And that is what its all about for me.
Music: Gaetano Donizetti's L'elisir d'amore
Food: I had this with black olives and Jamón ibérico. It was one of those lucky guesses that make other people think you know what the fuck you are doing. Perfect match.
  

Vino Rosso Sicilia: A great wine for a teething child to suck from your pinky.

Region: Sicily

Producer: Caviro SCA
Selection: Tesco
Varietal: Red, Nerello Mascalese, Nero D'Avola
Vintage: None
Volume: 12%
Price: w8, 900
Taste: "Light and fruity".
Notes: Juicy but not to sweet. Clean, fleeting, a subtle suggestion of raisins, currants, prunes. Wouldn't stand up to a proper Sicilian pizza. Try something more ballsy, something salty, spicy. Serve it a little chilled in high balls, at this price you can afford to. Mangiamo!
Music: Rai, Khaled in particular.
Food:  Something North African with lots of harissa.  A spicy zuppa di pesce maybe, this is a wine that won't get in the way of loud spices.  

Valpolicella: Una breve come puttane gemito! or As brief as a whore's moan!

Region: Italy, Northern - Veneto
Producer: Cantina di Soave sac
Selection: Tesco
Varietal: Red, molinara, rondinella, corvina.
Vintage: None
Volume: 11%
Price: w12, 400
Taste: "Light and fruity"
Notes: Clean, a little sour. Vanishes. Very low tannin. Can't taste much sulphites, but you know they are there. "Light-bodied" indeed. Oh! but she's fuck-able! If only because she goes down without resistance and won't call you back in the morning.
Music: Avo Part
Food: Something with a rich, complex sauce the needs an acidic wine to cut through it.